A Love Letter to Leonardo DiCaprio
Dear Leo,
Do you still have my Valentine? I sent it to you in 1998. It has Forever Friends on the front. I bought it in Ealing Broadway hallmark. I spent a long time choosing it. I wanted it to say the things I could not…
Namely that:
I love you.
I know lots of people think they love you but they do not love you the way I love you. I imagine countless scenarios where for random reasons you have to come to Acton. Maybe you are shooting a film and Acton is the only place on Earth it can be shot. Somehow you see me and of course that is all it will take because we will both just know. Just to warn you, it will be me but a better, more glamorous version. So, not me at all, really. I will probably be wearing an outfit that I bought in Topshop on Oxford street. Maybe one of those dresses with hearts that glow in the dark, like girls in the sixth form have, yes probably that. So, get ready, because I will be irresistible.
And this isn’t the main part but it is a part: everyone will just be so jealous and want to be me. Even people like Sarah Michaels in year eleven whose picture is in the window of the hairdresser. She will probably want to be my best friend once you and I are together. I have a life size poster of you that was in a special edition of Sugar Magazine. It came folded up lots of times. Me and Nana spent a whole Saturday ironing you out so that your folds didn’t detract from your perfection. This is just an example of the kind of girlfriend I would be to you. My dedication knows no bounds.
***
Leo, it is now 2021 and as we have known each other for such a very long time I feel I can speak to you frankly. We have both changed. I am comforted by your layer of Dad fat and bad choices in shirts. I want you to know that I cheered for you when you won an Oscar, even though it was for The Revenant, which is probably the worst film ever made. I’m sorry you won for a role where you did not look hot. No-one wanted it to be that way, but here we are. I want you to know that I teach girls who often crinkle up their noses when I tell them you are my person. They say, ‘but he is old and fat’. They show me pictures of Timothee Chalamet and singers called things like $, but I just laugh because none of those pretenders are a patch on you.
Another aside, do you get embarrassed at dinner parties? I imagine you with Amal Clooney and that lovely artist who Keanu is with and Tina Fey, drinking champagne and talking about wellness. Are you embarrassed that you are still dating women who are only a little older than me when I first wrote to you? Sometimes I cringe for you but then I remember you are my one true love. I should think you keep all your Valentine’s filed in neat cabinets in some sort of huge aircraft hangar. Please go back to the section UK, 1998, Postmark- Acton.
I wrote my address neatly on the back of the envelope so you would know exactly where to find me.
Perhaps it’s time for a real woman? Perhaps it’s time for me?
Yours sincerely and ever hopefully.
Lucy Ivison
